In 1992 my mother was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery.  I decided to donate blood, should it be necessary for the operation.  After the nurse took my blood pressure, she said it was much too high and I should contract my doctor immediately. 

After analyzing my blood pressure results, my doctor referred me to a nephrologist at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York.  A nephrologist specializes in kidney disease.  After taking blood tests, a 24-hour urine test, and sonogram, he told me I had polycystic kidney disease.  The nephrologist explained that this is a life threatening disease, has no cure, and can only be treated with dialysis or kidney transplantation.  I was shocked, and just sat on a bench in Central Park, trying to gather my thoughts. How could He let this happen? I had my whole life ahead of me? I was only 38 years old.  How long would I have to live? Would I be able to marry; have children?  And what about my parents? How could I tell them; they were elderly themselves, with their own medical problems?  This would surely kill them.  As it turned out, I never told them of my illness, as I wanted to spare them the pain, and they both went to their graves without knowing my secret.

After the initial shock, I calmed down and said to myself, true, I have a serious illness, but I’m going to live anyway, despite it. Over the course of time I began to think of what it says in Koheles (7:14), “Hashem has made one thing opposite the other.” While the Rambam says, “All evils are negations.” Our world is the world of Eitz Hadaas, not Eitz Hachaim.  We were put into this world to overcome all negations, to overcome challenges, to grow spiritually, to take responsibility, to have freedom of choice and realize our potential.  As Rav Kook says, “Light is steadily pitted against the dark, and light will increasingly overcome the dark.” Our lives are not like the angels, who cannot grow, actualize, and have free will to choose good over evil.  As Yeshayahu says, “I form the light, and create darkness; I make peace, and create evil; I am Hashem, Who has made all these things (45:5)”.  Hashem creates all-“boray as hakol”-good and bad. I slowly began to accept my illness-its me’ziyus-something to live with, something to use to help me grow.  As the Even Ezra says, “ Hashem endowed man with a rational faculty, which is also referred to as lev, in order to actualize every soul’s potential in due time”.

I began to feel that my time was limited.  If I had this illness, I had to take up the challenge-I had to act-I had to live a purposeful life.  The words of Hillel came to me: “If I am not for myself, what am I? -And if I’m only for myself, what am I? -And if not NOW-WHEN!” I must continue learning, praying, doing for others. As one of the three things that Rabi Eliezer said, “be mindful…and repent one day before your death”. I am now aware of my mortality, and the words of Rabi Tarfon resound in my ears, “the day is short, the work is much, the workers are lazy, the reward is much, AND the Owner is knocking! I often think that if G-D takes me sooner rather than later, I will not have all those years to learn, to teach, to give to others.

I am hopeful that someone may help me with my need. I would like to have the joy of being married one day and have an azer k’negdi to help me though life and build a bayis neaman b’yisroel. I would like to see my nine nieces and nephews grow older & be present at their simchos.

 Finally, I draw strength from the examples set by my family.  My great-grandfather, after fleeing the Russian pogroms, worked in sweatshops on the Lower East Side & never could hold onto a job, as he wouldn’t work on Shabbos.  My grandfather came from Telz at age fourteen, fought in WWI, received the purple heart, and made a Kiddush Hashem in the American Army at a time when it was most difficult for Jews in America in general, and in the American Army in particular.  My father was an armorer in the 352nd Fighter Group during WWII fighting the Nazis.  His group had the two most decorated aces in the European Theatre of Operation.  In those days there was no kosher food available during combat, so he made it his business to get to know the cooks who would give him fruits and vegetables to sustain him.  To the day he was nifter, he couldn’t stand the sight of peanut butter, as that was primarily what he ate during the war.  He also lived through the Great Depression and knew what it was to be poor.  When I complained that there was no fruit in the house, he would say that during the Depression he shared one orange with his five siblings-each child received one slice. He was successful in his career, but humble- providing for both the physical and spiritual needs of his children.  He gave us what he lacked-a Torah education. He was satisfied with little and never asked for much.  When I think of what my family has had to overcome, it is easier for me to deal with my challenge.  I try to understand that this is the world of the E’tz H’adas –filled with good and evil.  It is not the utopian E’tz Hachayim.  We are given free choice to perfect ourselves and the world. Without the dark, we cannot choose the light.

Henry (Henoch Raphael) Krauss
665 Salem Avenue
Elizabeth, NJ 07208
henrykrauss@mac.com
CP: 908-472-1217

Jonathan Winston, MD
The Mount Sinai Medical Center
Recanti/Miller Transplantation Institute
One Gustave L. Levy Place, Box 1104
New York, NY 10029-6574
(212) 659-8086